TRUST NO ONE!!

I don't know who to trust anymore. Who are my real friends and who are the fakes? At work I have been having issues with a "work" friend. We use to be super close and then all of a sudden she became a bitch towards me. She was also the person in charge of making the managers schedule. My hours were cut so I put my big girl pants on and confronted her. I asked if someone had changed their availability. NOPE. Did I do something wrong? NOPE. That was all she would respond with. A week or so ago she wasn't going to let me take my break, but one of my true friends told her that she wasn't going on break until I did. So I ended up getting a break. Later she "claimed" that she thought I took a break before she got there, that she saw me coming back in when she arrived. Ummm, NO!! I am a manager, and one that actually cares about her employees and works hard. I would not leave them alone during our busy time on a Friday morning. Whatever. She left at the beginning of the week to work at another store while their store manager is on maternity leave. Unfortuntatly she will be back. Yesterday I was on Facebook and realized that she removed me as a friend. And I now know that she doesn't like me. The reason for the shit at work was because she pretty much hates me. She kept everyone else at my store as a friend, but me. It hurts. It fuels the abandonment thoughts that run through my head because of BPD. I am trying to not let it get to me. At least I know where I stand now. Hopefully I will have a new job by then. I don't want to leave because of her. I am just tired of all their shit. Because if I am still there when she comes back something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it. I can only control my emotions for so long before I explode.

I was talking to a friend on messenger earlier and they asked if it was someone at work that decided to be a bitch to me. They asked who it was but told me if I didn't want to I didn't have to name them. I trust this friend. Him and his wife were the only friends that came to visit me when I was in the psychiatric hospital. I told him and it wasn't who he expected it to be that there is someone else there that is a backstabber. He wouldn't give me a name, but I am pretty sure I know who it is. She claims to be my friend and that she truly cares. So I asked him if it was someone I was close to and he said yeah. And he thought it was a good idea that I want to get a different job. I was told a couple years ago that she told everyone at work that I was in the psych ward. Not cool. And I was always complaining about the friend that was being a bitch to me. She "claimed" she didn't like her either, but then I started to notice her hanging around her all the time at work. So I am pretty sure she told her everything I said and that is why I got treated like shit at work. But since he didn't name names I am worried that maybe we are thinking of 2 different people. I am close to a few people at work. I don't know what to do. Maybe I will question his wife tomorrow when we go geocaching. I am hoping maybe she will tell me. I tried to figure it out by seeing if they removed any of our mutual friends. But everyone was still there.

I guess I need to keep my walls up.  TRUST NO ONE!!!

Give me the fucking pills!!!

I saw my new Psychiatrist at the beginning of July and she upped my dose of Triliptal and had me ween myself off of the Buspar.  And lately I have been wondering why I get anxious at the drop of a hat.  I never put two and two together until now.  She took me off the only anti-anxiety medication I was on.  Well, supposedly the Zoloft is suppose to help with anxiety or at least so I was told.  But I looked it up and it is just an anti-depressant.  And the Triliptal and Abilify that I am on are anti-seizure meds.  WTF?  They said nothing about anything to do with mood.  I don't get it.  And if I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder shouldn't I be on some kind of anti-anxiety medication?  Does this fucking doctor know what she is doing?  I am going to go insane if this anxiety doesn't stop soon.  I have a whole bottle plus some of the Buspar, maybe I should just put myself back on it.  But I don't want to jeopardize the trust we have since we just started working together.  I want to get better.  I am tired of living this way.  If I don't get better I will just try to kill myself again at some point.  Never knowing when that moment may be. I can't let that happen.  I need something to change. I need anti-anxiety meds.  I keep having anxiety attacks and going crazy on people. I am pretty sure the people at work were looking at me like I was insane.  I couldn't stop the words pouring out of my mouth.  All my negative thinking was being verbalized.  I was letting the whole store know how I feel about myself and it was very embarrassing.  I need a change.  I need to be better.  I want to not be so unstable.  I don't want to be the crazy girl in the room anymore.  I want to be me.  So, just give me the fucking pills.....

Fuck this shitty ass life

I don't know what to fucking do anymore.  I went to my therapist today and we talked about me doing the partial hospitalization program again.  I really want too.  I talked my way out of it the last time because work wouldn't give me any hours.  But this time I would tell work that I need the hours and work me almost my normal amount of hours.  But my husband doesn't like that idea.  He wants me to get a second job to help the money situation.  True the money situation is my biggest stressor, but  shouldn't my mental health come first?  I don't know maybe I am wrong.  But I think getting a second job might just make things worse.  They haven't called me back anyways, so why sit and wait for them to finally decide to call me.  They prolly won't anyways.  I am sitting here cutting myself with a damn kitchen knife.  Ok I can't really consider it cutting it is more like cat scratches.  But I can't believe that my husband would say that.  It's totally fucked up.  I just wish I was fucking normal.  I hate being the crazy fucking bitch.  fuck this life.....

I hate myself for everything........

I haven't written in awhile, but I thought it was about time that I started blogging again.  I need to get my feeling out.  Who cares if no one reads this, at least I got it off my chest.  Maybe one person will read it and not feel so alone.

I don't know why I am still here.  At the end of May I tried to kill myself.  And it epically failed.  All I accomplished was a stay in a Psychiatric Hospital and then a partial hospitalization program.  Now I am behind on all of my bills and I just want to die all over again.  Money is my biggest stressor, not my only, but definatly the biggest.  I have fucked myself over so bad I don't know how my husband still wants to be with me.  I don't even want to be me.  I am having the hardest time.  I went one week without cutting and last night what do I find myself doing?  Cuttting.  I was so proud of myself.  In the past I didn't have a hard time refraining unless my anxiety was super bad.  I would go months without it.  But ever since May I have being doing it quite often.  I even did it when I was in the hospital.  Not the smartest move, but I wasn't in my right frame of mind at the time.  I promised my Psychiatrist that I wouldn't cut, but I blew that.  Squeezing an ice cube isn't the same as seeing the blood.  I self injure because I feel like I deserve it.  I don't do it for the pain.  I do it for the blood.  It makes me feel better ahout myself even if it is just for a short period of time.  I am feeling suicidal again and it scares me.  I wasn't aware that I was trying to kill myself the last time.  I was disassociating at the time.  But the few weeks before that I had kept a self injury log and now I realize I had alot of suicidal thoughts and I was self injuring everyday.  I don't want to end up in the psych hospital again.  It wasn't a good experience.

I am thinking about calling my therapist, but I don't want to bug her.  I just saw her yesterday and I don't want her to think that I need to be inpatient.  And I don't have the money to see her anyways.  I know that isn't a reason not too, but in my mind it is a great reason.  I know they would let me pay at another time, but I just feel ackward asking them to let me do it.  And what can my therapist do anyways?  Absolutely nothing.  She can't fix me.  I have to fix myself.  And I don't even know if that is possible.  I don't know how.  I don't have the skills.  I have way too many negative thoughts to get out of this vicious cycle.  I think I may just need a labotomy, but I don't think I can get one.

I just want this pain to end.  I am tired of living this fucked up life that I have created for myself.  I am isolating myself.  I am not talking to anyone.  I feel like all I do is annoy people.  Why would people want to be around me?  All I do is bring darkness to everyones life around me.  It's better off if I just stay away.  One of my friends want me to come over today so I told her I would if I was feeling less depressed.  But she must be tired of my shit because she didn't ask what was wrong.  Not that I would have told her, but still it would have made me feel like someone cares about me.  I made plans last week to hang out with a girl I met at the partial hospitalization program, but there is no way I can go.  I hope she doesn't text me and ask what's up.  What would I say?  Sorry, but I am really depressed?  Fuck that.  I didn't really want to hang out anyways.  She was way to eager to find out when we would hang out.  She didn't want to talk about anything else.  If I said something else she would ask "when are we hanging out?" and just blow off what I was talking about.  I don't think she really wants to hang out I think she wants me to be her taxi and I don't have time for that.  I am not going to be used.

I am a fuck up, a failure, a piece of shit.  I just want it to all end.  If I were to die today I wouldn't care.  Maybe a house will fall on me and it will be the end of all this pain.  Too bad this isn't OZ.

Insane.... *triggering*

I feel like I am going insane.  I don't know what to do.  I keep freaking out over everthing.  I can't seem to stop self harming.  I look at my arm and wonder why the fuck I did that to myself, but that doesn't stop me from doing it.  I keep pacing around trying to stop myself, but it doesn't seem to work.  I have now moved to a different part of my body and I am trying new things.  I used a knife for the first time and it scares me.  I found a pocket knife laying around the house and made sure to sharpen it and disinfect it. Why am I doing this?  I thought I was over this.  I stopped for the longest time and now I am back to where I started.  My therapist avoids the subject, not that I bring it up alot.  Just when I mention something about it she hurries up and changes the subject.  I don't know if she just doesn't know what to say or do, but it is sort of frustrating when she won't focus on the issue.  My psychiatrist doesn't know, or at least I don't think she does.  I guess if she read my file from my therapist she would know, but I don't think she reads it.  My last psychiatrist didn't know either.  I tend to not tell them thinking that they will lock me up or something.  It isn't like I try to kill myself.  I don't even cut that deep and my burns aren't real serious.  I feel like I need to call my Psychiatrist and ask her to up my meds.  Since I went down to 75 mg of Zoloft I seem to be self injuring more than when I was on 100 mg.  I don't know what to do.  My next threrapy appointment isn't for another month and my next psychiatrist appointment isn't until May.  I don't have anyone to talk to.  I am alone in this.  Justin doesn't understand and I lost the one friend that I felt comfordable talking about this with.  What the fuck?  I need something.  I need help.  I went through a whole box of blades to find one to use and they were all fucked up.  There was some shit all over the blades that won't come off so I won't use them.  I have one dull blade and a bunch of knives.  I feel like I am going insane.  I am fucked up.  I would call and make an appointment with my psychiatrist, but I prolly won't feel this way tomorrow.  I am fucked up like that.  Something that is driving me crazy today will not even exist in my mind tomorrow.  Ughh!!  I need to be saved from myself.

Fat
    Fat
        Fat
            FAILURE!!!

Writers Block

I had finally got up the courage to tell Rachelle that I would like to write stuff for my appointments and then we could discuss them since I am better at writing how I feel.  Now I wonder if that was a good idea.  My last writing assignment was about my fear of being judged.  It was hard to write, but I did it.  I didn't get everything I wanted to say out, but I did the best that I could.  It was a great paper, but now I am stuck on the next topic.  I am suppose to write about the antidote for fear of being judged and find an image to go with it.  I don't have any clue what to write.  If I knew the antidote, then I wouldn't have this problem, would I?  I have two weeks to write this and I don't have any ideas.  I am stuck.  It will suck if I go in there and have absoultly nothing written.  I will be a failure.  And that is horrible since this whole thing was my damn idea.  Next time I should just keep my ideas to myself.

I still haven't gone to get my blood work done for my Psychiatrist.  I am dreading it.  I really don't want to do the drug test.  I should have kept my mouth shut.  I should have lied.  Ughh!!  The other reason I don't want to go do it is because I am scared to go by myself.  I hate doing new things.  I contstantly think that I am gonna go to the wrong place or do the wrong thing.  Why do I have to do this?  Why can't someone go with me?  I think I am gonna try to go on Monday.  I have to have blood work done for my Physical so maybe I will just do it all after that appointment.  That is if I don't chicken out like I always do.  It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to go to the Hospital to do it.  Maybe I can find somewhere else that my insurance will cover it.  Why does insurance have to make things so damn difficult?

I think I might make a video asking if anyone has any ideas on my writing topic.  I just need  a jumpstart and some ideas of what to even write.