Insane.... *triggering*

I feel like I am going insane.  I don't know what to do.  I keep freaking out over everthing.  I can't seem to stop self harming.  I look at my arm and wonder why the fuck I did that to myself, but that doesn't stop me from doing it.  I keep pacing around trying to stop myself, but it doesn't seem to work.  I have now moved to a different part of my body and I am trying new things.  I used a knife for the first time and it scares me.  I found a pocket knife laying around the house and made sure to sharpen it and disinfect it. Why am I doing this?  I thought I was over this.  I stopped for the longest time and now I am back to where I started.  My therapist avoids the subject, not that I bring it up alot.  Just when I mention something about it she hurries up and changes the subject.  I don't know if she just doesn't know what to say or do, but it is sort of frustrating when she won't focus on the issue.  My psychiatrist doesn't know, or at least I don't think she does.  I guess if she read my file from my therapist she would know, but I don't think she reads it.  My last psychiatrist didn't know either.  I tend to not tell them thinking that they will lock me up or something.  It isn't like I try to kill myself.  I don't even cut that deep and my burns aren't real serious.  I feel like I need to call my Psychiatrist and ask her to up my meds.  Since I went down to 75 mg of Zoloft I seem to be self injuring more than when I was on 100 mg.  I don't know what to do.  My next threrapy appointment isn't for another month and my next psychiatrist appointment isn't until May.  I don't have anyone to talk to.  I am alone in this.  Justin doesn't understand and I lost the one friend that I felt comfordable talking about this with.  What the fuck?  I need something.  I need help.  I went through a whole box of blades to find one to use and they were all fucked up.  There was some shit all over the blades that won't come off so I won't use them.  I have one dull blade and a bunch of knives.  I feel like I am going insane.  I am fucked up.  I would call and make an appointment with my psychiatrist, but I prolly won't feel this way tomorrow.  I am fucked up like that.  Something that is driving me crazy today will not even exist in my mind tomorrow.  Ughh!!  I need to be saved from myself.

Fat
    Fat
        Fat
            FAILURE!!!

Writers Block

I had finally got up the courage to tell Rachelle that I would like to write stuff for my appointments and then we could discuss them since I am better at writing how I feel.  Now I wonder if that was a good idea.  My last writing assignment was about my fear of being judged.  It was hard to write, but I did it.  I didn't get everything I wanted to say out, but I did the best that I could.  It was a great paper, but now I am stuck on the next topic.  I am suppose to write about the antidote for fear of being judged and find an image to go with it.  I don't have any clue what to write.  If I knew the antidote, then I wouldn't have this problem, would I?  I have two weeks to write this and I don't have any ideas.  I am stuck.  It will suck if I go in there and have absoultly nothing written.  I will be a failure.  And that is horrible since this whole thing was my damn idea.  Next time I should just keep my ideas to myself.

I still haven't gone to get my blood work done for my Psychiatrist.  I am dreading it.  I really don't want to do the drug test.  I should have kept my mouth shut.  I should have lied.  Ughh!!  The other reason I don't want to go do it is because I am scared to go by myself.  I hate doing new things.  I contstantly think that I am gonna go to the wrong place or do the wrong thing.  Why do I have to do this?  Why can't someone go with me?  I think I am gonna try to go on Monday.  I have to have blood work done for my Physical so maybe I will just do it all after that appointment.  That is if I don't chicken out like I always do.  It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to go to the Hospital to do it.  Maybe I can find somewhere else that my insurance will cover it.  Why does insurance have to make things so damn difficult?

I think I might make a video asking if anyone has any ideas on my writing topic.  I just need  a jumpstart and some ideas of what to even write.

Nervous as Hell...

Today was my appointment with the new Psychiatrist.  I was scared shitless.  I was sitting in the waiting room contemplating if I wanted to just walk out.  I felt like I had an elephant sitting on my chest, I was shaking and my palms were so sweaty, I was having a hard time playing a game on my phone.  And then my name is called.  I get to her office and it is completely different than my last psychiatrists office.  I was so nervous she noticed that I was shaking.  And then the horror began.  It was completely different than the last intake session I had.  She actually asked questions.  I don't think she really needed to start with suicide questions.  Not the best topic to get started on.  But whatever.  She asked me millions of questions while holding a coffee cup in her hand.  Sit the damn thing down.  It was annoying me.  I had to courage to ask for Xanax, but of course she turned me down too.  Wtf?  C'mon, I only use it when I need it.  UGHHH!!  So now I have to go get blood work done and get a drug test.  Why do I need a drug test?  And then she said she also does random testing.  WTF???  I am so confused.  What is she, my mother?  And then she felt the need to weigh me and see how tall I am.  Hmmm?  I thought maybe so she knew what mg of medicine to give me.  But she just gave me the same stuff I was on before.  I am suppose to go back to see her in 3 weeks.  I almost don't want too.  She is nice and all, but I feel like now this person is too far up into my business.  I seemed to have gone from the person who could care less to the person who wants to fucking control me.  I don't know what I want to do.  I am tired of being anxious all the time and being a bitch, but......  Maybe I will try it her way.

Something needs to happen.... Something needs to change....

I haven't written on here in what seems like ages.  I am sort of nervous.  I have an appointment with my new Psychiatrist tomorrow. Or I think I do.  They haven't called to confirm my appointment yet and that should have been done yesterday.  It makes me think that maybe I have the dates messed up or maybe she told me the date and time, but never entered it into the computer.  I guess if they don't call by tomorrow I should call and double check before I drive all the way there to find out I don't have an appointment.  I hate calling people.  I am always afraid that the person on the other end of the phone is making fun of me.  Not by what they are saying, but I feel like after I hang up with them they make fun of the way I talk.  Maybe I messed up or something and they think I am a dimwit.  I know that sounds stupid, but I can't seem to shake that feeling. 


I am glad that my previous Psychiatrist released me.  I was afraid he wasn't going to because Rachelle told me that it is really hard to change doctors because they all stick together.  But he did so that is good.  I am suppose to see the new one, Dr. Mansour.  I hope things go better with her and she doesn't just blow me off like Dr. Swart did.  He was a fucking asshole.  I am thinking since my appointment with her is at 2:15 pm that it is just a med visit.  I was hoping to get a new intake session since he lied about mine.  He wrote in my file that I was there for 45 minutes.  Bullshit.  20 minutes MAX.  And the dumbass never gave me a diagnosis, I had to find that out from my therapist.  But then again, how can someone give a diagnosis when they are not even interested in getting to know anything about the person they are diagnosing?  I don't even think he ever read my file.  Maybe if I am lucky the new one will read it or maybe be interested in getting to know me.  I am going to come up with a list of things I want to discuss while I am there since I have a tendency to forget everything when I get nervous.  Actually I think I am just too scared half the time to say what I am feeling or thinking.


I am crossing my fingers and hoping it goes well tomorrow.  If not I am gonna be even more pissed of than I already am.  Something needs to happen.  Something needs to change.