Writers Block

I had finally got up the courage to tell Rachelle that I would like to write stuff for my appointments and then we could discuss them since I am better at writing how I feel.  Now I wonder if that was a good idea.  My last writing assignment was about my fear of being judged.  It was hard to write, but I did it.  I didn't get everything I wanted to say out, but I did the best that I could.  It was a great paper, but now I am stuck on the next topic.  I am suppose to write about the antidote for fear of being judged and find an image to go with it.  I don't have any clue what to write.  If I knew the antidote, then I wouldn't have this problem, would I?  I have two weeks to write this and I don't have any ideas.  I am stuck.  It will suck if I go in there and have absoultly nothing written.  I will be a failure.  And that is horrible since this whole thing was my damn idea.  Next time I should just keep my ideas to myself.

I still haven't gone to get my blood work done for my Psychiatrist.  I am dreading it.  I really don't want to do the drug test.  I should have kept my mouth shut.  I should have lied.  Ughh!!  The other reason I don't want to go do it is because I am scared to go by myself.  I hate doing new things.  I contstantly think that I am gonna go to the wrong place or do the wrong thing.  Why do I have to do this?  Why can't someone go with me?  I think I am gonna try to go on Monday.  I have to have blood work done for my Physical so maybe I will just do it all after that appointment.  That is if I don't chicken out like I always do.  It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to go to the Hospital to do it.  Maybe I can find somewhere else that my insurance will cover it.  Why does insurance have to make things so damn difficult?

I think I might make a video asking if anyone has any ideas on my writing topic.  I just need  a jumpstart and some ideas of what to even write.

Nervous as Hell...

Today was my appointment with the new Psychiatrist.  I was scared shitless.  I was sitting in the waiting room contemplating if I wanted to just walk out.  I felt like I had an elephant sitting on my chest, I was shaking and my palms were so sweaty, I was having a hard time playing a game on my phone.  And then my name is called.  I get to her office and it is completely different than my last psychiatrists office.  I was so nervous she noticed that I was shaking.  And then the horror began.  It was completely different than the last intake session I had.  She actually asked questions.  I don't think she really needed to start with suicide questions.  Not the best topic to get started on.  But whatever.  She asked me millions of questions while holding a coffee cup in her hand.  Sit the damn thing down.  It was annoying me.  I had to courage to ask for Xanax, but of course she turned me down too.  Wtf?  C'mon, I only use it when I need it.  UGHHH!!  So now I have to go get blood work done and get a drug test.  Why do I need a drug test?  And then she said she also does random testing.  WTF???  I am so confused.  What is she, my mother?  And then she felt the need to weigh me and see how tall I am.  Hmmm?  I thought maybe so she knew what mg of medicine to give me.  But she just gave me the same stuff I was on before.  I am suppose to go back to see her in 3 weeks.  I almost don't want too.  She is nice and all, but I feel like now this person is too far up into my business.  I seemed to have gone from the person who could care less to the person who wants to fucking control me.  I don't know what I want to do.  I am tired of being anxious all the time and being a bitch, but......  Maybe I will try it her way.

Something needs to happen.... Something needs to change....

I haven't written on here in what seems like ages.  I am sort of nervous.  I have an appointment with my new Psychiatrist tomorrow. Or I think I do.  They haven't called to confirm my appointment yet and that should have been done yesterday.  It makes me think that maybe I have the dates messed up or maybe she told me the date and time, but never entered it into the computer.  I guess if they don't call by tomorrow I should call and double check before I drive all the way there to find out I don't have an appointment.  I hate calling people.  I am always afraid that the person on the other end of the phone is making fun of me.  Not by what they are saying, but I feel like after I hang up with them they make fun of the way I talk.  Maybe I messed up or something and they think I am a dimwit.  I know that sounds stupid, but I can't seem to shake that feeling. 


I am glad that my previous Psychiatrist released me.  I was afraid he wasn't going to because Rachelle told me that it is really hard to change doctors because they all stick together.  But he did so that is good.  I am suppose to see the new one, Dr. Mansour.  I hope things go better with her and she doesn't just blow me off like Dr. Swart did.  He was a fucking asshole.  I am thinking since my appointment with her is at 2:15 pm that it is just a med visit.  I was hoping to get a new intake session since he lied about mine.  He wrote in my file that I was there for 45 minutes.  Bullshit.  20 minutes MAX.  And the dumbass never gave me a diagnosis, I had to find that out from my therapist.  But then again, how can someone give a diagnosis when they are not even interested in getting to know anything about the person they are diagnosing?  I don't even think he ever read my file.  Maybe if I am lucky the new one will read it or maybe be interested in getting to know me.  I am going to come up with a list of things I want to discuss while I am there since I have a tendency to forget everything when I get nervous.  Actually I think I am just too scared half the time to say what I am feeling or thinking.


I am crossing my fingers and hoping it goes well tomorrow.  If not I am gonna be even more pissed of than I already am.  Something needs to happen.  Something needs to change.